Lost in Blue
by mollyt-53
Summary: A companion piece to I Love You Enough to Let You Go. Follows Theresa to Atlanta for a time. Told mostly in flashbacks.
1. Default Chapter

She has always been lost in blue. Lost in the blue of his eyes and torn by the pain and resignation she frequently saw there. Now, looking into these radiant blue orbs was like falling backwards... plummeting into the past....

She had heard the screaming and the crashes coming from the Atwood house. On her hands and knees, she crawled close enough to hear what was going on.. just to make sure he was all right.

"_Stay in that room till you learn some respect", she heard AJ bellow, punctuated by another thud and crash which Theresa could imagine was a door being slammed and Ryan flying into a wall or landing on the floor. She waited a few minutes then crept to Ryan's window. Peering in through the screen all she could see was a pile of clothes in the floor. As she continued to look the pile of clothes began to sit up as Ryan uncurled himself from a fetal position. One hand probed timidly, checking for cuts and breaks while the other backhanded tears away. Sniffing loudly, he gingerly tried to stand up. She didn't want to hurt his dignity anymore than it had already been hurt so she waited until he had collected himself before she scratched softly on the screen. _

_Cocking his head toward the sound he moved swiftly to the door and flipped the lock, then he moved to stand at the window. _

"_It's me ," Theresa whispered._

_His skinny shoulders relaxed as he recognized Theresa's voice. Leaning closer to the window he met her gaze._

"_You ok?"_

"_Yeah"_

"_You sure cause you don't look so good from here?"_

"_Yeah"_

"_Hey keep it short and simple, don't elaborate so much", she quipped sarcastically. "You had anything to eat today?"_

"_Naw... I'm not hungry."_

"_Bull shit, you're always hungry. I'll be right back.. get the screen out._

_Rushing next door to her kitchen, she gathered all the leftovers from dinner and put them in a bag. Just as she was getting ready to leave her mother came in. Eyeing the bag in Theresa's hand she nodded approval and smiled. _

"_Thanks, Ma". Running from the house she slowed then dropped low as she stealthily approached Ryan's window. He stood there, the screen out, just looking up at the starless sky._

"_Coast clear?"_

_He jumped at the sound of her hoarse whisper. " Yeah.. they're watching a movie"_

_Theresa first handed up the bag then reached for his hand to help her scramble over the window ledge. She almost cleared it but she raised too soon and her head made a mighty bang against the window frame. _

"_Ow!", she blurted before she could stop herself. They both froze wide-eyed, holding their breath and looked fearfully at the bedroom door. A full minute passed before they felt safe enough to move._

_Taking a place next to him on the floor, she hesitantly touched the raising lump on her head. Her hand came away without blood, so that was a good sign._

"_What did ya bring?", Ryan whispered as he tore at the bag._

"_Fajitas, does it matter?" she laughed softly._

_Without response Ryan grabbed one of the meat and vegetable filled tortillas and began stuffing it into his mouth. Juice ran down his fingers making dirty trails in the grime on his hands. Unabashed he licked his fingers and continued stuffing his mouth. He ate silently. When he had eaten the last one and peeked into the bag, Theresa felt a stab of sorrow there hadn't been more._

"_Sorry there wasn't more"_

"_That's cool.. They were good. Tell your mom thanks and that she's a good cook."_

"_Excuse me but I made those, thank you very much."_

"_You?" He raised his eyebrows in surprise._

_Theresa stuck her tongue out at him as she rose and padded to the chest of drawers. Opening a drawer she fished out the peroxide, ointment and Band-Aids._

"_Let me see your head"_

"_Naw, it's ok. You don't have to do anything" he mumbled as he moved quickly away._

"_Atwood, you big pussy... You can take a punch from AJ but I have to chase you around the room to put ointment and a bandage on your head. Get your skinny butt over here!"_

_Reluctantly he surrendered to her ministrations, hissing through his teeth when the peroxide stung his cut 0head._

_Yelling began a new on the other side of the door and a shadow of fear moved across Ryan's face.  
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"_Hey, how about you sleep over at my house tonight? I'll sneak you in the window," she whispered._

_Licking his lips, Ryan appeared to being weighing his options. Nodding his head he began picking up the litter from dinner and deposited it in the trashcan. Quietly she slipped out the window and ran toward her house. Looking over her shoulder she saw Ryan drop lightly to the ground and follow._

_Looking aimlessly out the window, she decided this had been the longest twenty-four hours of her life and she still had a few hours to go. She jumped as a sudden shot to her bladder almost sent her scrambling for the restroom. One more like that and she just might wet herself. Now that was a vivid image she thought as she stifled a giggle. She didn't know if this little one was a boy or a girl but it surely seemed destined to be a great kicker. Sighing as another jolt hit her, she rose stiffly and began the long trek down the aisle to the john, holding on as she went to prevent her lack of balance from sending her to the floor._

_Once more back in her seat she smiled contentedly. Some people's idea of heaven was angels and pearly gates... right now hers was an empty bladder. She was too tired to be apprehensive about what was ahead for her. In fact right now she just thought, "fuck it". Closing her eyes she was lulled to sleep by the rhythmic motion of the bus and the long hours flew by._

_She waited until most all of the passengers had disembarked before she struggled out of her seat. The long hours of sitting had made her stiff and she was slow and awkward getting around. Climbing down the stairs, looking at the faces in the crowd, she easily spotted Manny searching the crowd for her._

"_Manny!" she called. She saw him turn, following her voice._

"_Manny!". His name had no sooner escaped her lips than he spotted her and grinning from ear to ear began making his way toward her through the sea of people. He was a bear of a man and she felt completely dwarfed when he enveloped her in his massive embrace._

"_Theresa, it's so good to see you. It has been so long since I have seen anyone from back home."_

_She hugged him back, truly happy to see him. Keeping his arm around her he began shouldering his way through the crowd. The other member of the Romero tag team, Lupe, Manny's wife had already claimed Theresa's luggage and was now standing guard over it. The two women embraced as Manny grabbed the baggage. With him in the lead they trouped through the crowd to the parking lot. _

_It took almost an hour to get to the Romero hacienda. It was an huge older two-story house with a big porch complete with porch swings. It sat amidst large Magnolia trees and flowerbeds, in a spacious yard. _

_For Theresa, who had only been in California it was love at first sight. Her bags were carried in and deposited in a large airy room, with windows on two sides to let the sunlight in. _

_Lupe was a big girl but she moved around the room with ease, putting some of Theresa's things away. "Theresa, why don't you have a long hot shower and a nap. You look worn out.. we'll wake you for dinner."_

"_Thanks. That sounds great." The thought of a hot shower and nap made Theresa weak with desire. She felt sticky, gritty and ached all over. Her bathroom was small but spotless. Turning on the water, she began to shed her clothes. Standing naked in front of the full-length mirror she gently she laid her hand on the swell of her belly. Smiling she turned sideways and examined her profile. There was a baby in there... her baby. It didn't matter who the father was. All that mattered was its mother was here and always would be. "It's just you and me, kiddo. This is for real.. no turning back. I love you." A tear spilled from her eyes and made its way down her cheek._


	2. Chapter 2

**I own nothing from the OC**

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**Title: Lost in Blue**

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_Settling in hadn't been too difficult. She worked at Manny's restaurant running the register, seating customers, whatever she could do to help. Her money was pretty tight. Since Ryan had contributed much more than she to their savings account, she had left the lion's share for him and mailed him the passbook. Again she faced the Family Services tribunal, only this time she was alone. There was just no other way now but things would change.. she would make damned certain they changed. What she missed the most was her car but she knew if she had tried to drive all the way to Atlanta, she would still be on the roadside waiting for help. No way would her little clunker have made that trip. Manny's restaurant was very popular and whether she was there or at home there was always laughter and fun. That helped stave off the lonely empty feeling that had become so much a part of her. _

_The lunch crowd had just left and the dining room was full of the clatter of cleanup and preparation for the next wave. A good looking guy that she recognized as a regular was waiting to be seated. Quickly she made her way to where he stood._

"_Eating alone today?" she asked as she approached._

"_Yep all by myself unless you have time to join me," he replied, flashing an inviting smile._

_It had become more apparent each time this guy came in, that in spite of her obvious condition, he was nurturing a growing interest in her. Jesus wept... blonde hair and blue eyes! Screw that.. She was here to forget blonde hair and blue eyes. _

"_Hey, wish I could," she laughed. Leading him to a small table and giving him a menu, she left him with a businesslike smile and an "enjoy your meal"._

_Before she could get back to what she had been doing Manny waved her down with the phone. "Theresa, it's your mom," Manny called._

"_Hi Ma. What a surprise. How are you?"_

"_I'm fine.. How are you and the baby?"_

"_We're both good.. better than good," she laughed. Smiling she stroked the swell of her belly. "I found a midwife I really like. She says this baby is huge as if I don't already know that. Won't be long before I can't see my feet! Oh and I started home classes so I can get my diploma. I plan on registering at one of the technical colleges for dental hygienist. It will take 2 years but I can get tuition assistance and it is a very good paying career."_

_Hearing the smile in her daughter's voice made Eva smile._

"_Theresa that is wonderful. I am very proud of you."_

_Both women fell quiet and an uncomfortable silence took the phone line._

"_What's wrong, Ma. Why did you call?"_

"_Ryan came to pick up his things.... he wanted to speak to you."_

_Theresa sucked in her breath and expelled it on one burst." What did you tell him?"_

"_I told him you didn't have a phone. He left his number and asked for you to call."_

"_Ma, I'm not going to call him. You didn't say anything did you?"_

"_Of course not! I told you I would help you. I have told everyone you lost the baby. I have lied to help you but it isn't my decision whether you call Ryan or not, it's yours, so I called to give you the message and the number." Anger loomed in her voice._

"_I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound like that.. I'm just.. you know... "_

_Eva's voice softened. "Yes, I know. It's a hard thing you are doing. Have you made any decision yet?"_

"_Ma, I think I made my decision long ago I just didn't realize it. I can't give this baby up. It's part of me. I don't care who the father is, in fact I'm not even gonna have the test done. I can make a good life out here. Maybe you could come live with us.."_

_Eva sighed into the phone. "I love you and support whatever you decide. We will talk more later. I have to take Mrs. Gomez to the doctor and I should be leaving. "_

"_Thanks Ma. I'll talk to you soon."_

_There, she had finally said it. It was out in the open and she could quite dancing around the issue. She was keeping this baby!_

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_Her relationship with Ryan had been too complicated to be defined. One day it was one thing and the next something different. Like the time with Sissy George. Sissy George was one of those 'early bloomers' and all the boys drooled after her. Theresa didn't understand what the big deal was. Sissy was a stupid cow! She had zero personality and you couldn't even carry on a conversation with her. One day while Arturo was busy ogling Sissy, she shared her opinion of Sissy with her brother. Arturo looked at her like she was from another planet. _

"_Theresa, sometimes you can be so dense. Talking is not Sissy's strong point", he said with a laugh. That had been her introduction to the fact that boys were like dogs when it came to girls, no brains required._

_She had known her feelings for Ryan were changing. He was more than just a friend. When he was close she felt a little breathless; when he looked at her with those blue eyes she felt a strange fluttery feeling in her stomach. She didn't know what to do with or about the things she felt. Ryan didn't seem to feel any different._

_Ryan at fifteen had physically changed. One of his mom's boyfriends had given him a job helping out on his construction sights. No longer was Ryan a ninety-pound weakling. His arms and chest bulged with newly formed muscles and he carried himself like a young Adonis. Girls that before had ignored the smaller kid now found him very interesting, especially Sissy. Theresa would stand and watch while Sissy fawned over Ryan, standing close, nonchalantly rubbing her ample breasts against Ryan, in seemingly innocent situations. Theresa looked down at her own meager chest and wondered when "breasts" would find her chest. It wasn't long before Sissy and Ryan were an item._

_Theresa and Ryan usually hung with their brothers and their brother's friends. For a time she continued to show up at the gatherings and parties but the feeling she no longer belonged kept growing and growing so she finally stopped going. There was just so much of "Sissy draped over Ryan" she could stand to witness. Instead she knocked around by herself, stayed at home reading and watching movies. She sorta enjoyed the solitude but it hurt that no one seemed to even notice she was no longer around. _

_She arrived home from the store one afternoon to find Ryan slumped on the porch steps. Seeing her, a lopsided grin spread across his face. "Hey, where the hell have you been hiding? I haven't seen you in forever."_

_A biting retort was poised on the tip of her tongue but she bit it back and replied in a calm even tone._

"_I just got tired of all the crap for a while and have been chillin' out at home. Why?"_

_Secretly she hoped he was about to tell her how much he had missed being with her and that Sissy was long gone. _

"_Well, we got a pool tournament going tonight and I'm screwed without my partner. Any chance you could show up?"_

_So that was it... he needed a fucking pool partner. While it was true she and Ryan were almost unbeatable as a team and under normal circumstance she would be more than ready to go play, this time it just hit her all wrong and it pissed her off. _

"_What? You fucking ignore me for weeks while you crawl all over that piece of shit Sissy, that would drop her pants for any guy that waves his dick at her and now you show up here asking "good old Theresa" to play pool and help you win. Fuck you and her! Have Sissy be your partner...in fact shove her up your ass sideways." All of the hurt, jealousy and anger she had held in had just spewed out in massive swell and she herself was amazed by how vehemently she had spoken._

_Ryan stood in front of her wearing his "stupid cow" expression, his mouth opened to speak.. then he closed it again. He seemed to be completely at a loss for words. While he was trying to decide how to react to her speech, she walked past him and into the house, closing the door firmly behind her. Boys could be so stupid!_

_She made it a point to be "unavailable" for the next week. In fact no one even saw her. She haunted the library, stayed after school to help with stuff, anything she could do to be hidden. She was confused by what she felt and desperately needed time and space to sort it out. Arriving home particularly late one evening, she tripped over Ryan sitting on the porch steps in the dark. Jumping up he caught her before she went headfirst into the door._

"_Atwood, what are you doing lurking on my porch?"_

"_I need to talk to you."_

"_So talk..."_

"_Can we go somewhere else.. the park maybe?"_

_She couldn't see his face clearly for the shadows but she heard the sadness in his voice._

"_What's wrong? she queried."_

"_Let's go, ok?"_

_She sat her bags down and followed him off the porch. She was completely taken back when he reached out for her hand as they walked. She timidly returned the pressureof his hand and was rewarded when he held on tighter. They walked silently, hands swinging gently between them._

_The park was deserted. They found themselves largely in the dark because half of the lights had been broken or were burned out and had never been _

_replaced. Making their way across the park they found the swing sets._

"_Get in, I'll push," he grinned. _

"_Not on your life... the last time you pushed me I ended up in a mud puddle," she laughed. "Let's just sit."_

_They sat in silence for a long minute. _

"_Atwood, did you show up on my porch so we could go swing?"_

_Ryan snickered. "Not really but it sorta turned out good. I just needed to talk to you."_

_The silence continued._

_Finally, in frustration Theresa broke the quiet. "About?"_

_Ryan sighed. "Us.. and what I did."_

"_Oh, this should be good", she quipped. He caught her sarcasm and gave her a sad smile._

"_Theresa, I'm sorry. I never intended to hurt you especially over someone like Sissy. She's just a girl. You're a lot more to me than that. "_

"_Ryan, just what am I to you? I thought I knew but after the last few weeks I guess I was wrong."_

_He got up from his swing and came to stand in front of her. Taking both of her hands in his, he pulled her up to stand facing him. He looked into her eyes and haltingly began speaking._

"_Theresa.. you are my rock, my anchor, you keep me from getting lost in all of this. You keep me strong and together. You hold me up when I am too sad or weak to stand on my own. I need you." As he spoke he searched her eyes for a hint of her thoughts. What he saw was the glistening of tears as they glided down her face. _

_In all the years she had known him, this was the longest speech she had ever heard him make and right there and then she knew she loved him... would always love him. No matter what might happen her heart would forever belong to Ryan Atwood._

_That night, after her mother was sound asleep and Theresa helped him climb into her window, he had taken her into his arms and a new dimension to their relationship had unfolded. The earth had not moved nor was it anything like she had read in love novels. They were awkward and nervous.. timid and needful. In time these things would vanish and their loving would become lustful and satisfying but there would only be one" first time" and it was enough to be together, holding each other tight into the night. _

_She had thought about that night many times when Ryan had disappeared to Newport. He had left her without so much as a backward glance._


	3. Finis

_Before the month was gone Eva called Atlanta three more times to tell her Ryan had called. Jesus.. Why couldn't he leave her alone? He was back with his rich family and she assumed back with Marissa, so why was he calling her? She didn't know what to do.. He was so much a part of her and always would be. She had been his best friend, his lover and had sometimes felt like his mother. How she missed him _

_Chewing her lip she dialed the number he had left for her. When his voice answered she almost hung up._

"_If you don't say something I'm hanging up"_

"_It's me Ryan.," her voice threatening to break._

"_Theresa? Is that you?"_

"_Yeah, it's me. How ya doin'?"_

"_I'm good.. are you all right?"_

"_Never better." They both snickered remembering the day in the park. The ice finally broken, the air was a little more comfortable._

"_Ma said you wanted to talk to me." She struggled to keep her voice even but knew she was going to lose the battle._

"_I wanted to know you were ok. I wanted to see you but you just took off. I just felt kinda lost. I feel so guilty about not being there."_

"_Ryan, there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. If there is any guilt it's mine. Things happen for a reason. All of this is my fault. I never should have looked for you or interfered in your life after you left Chino. I just loved and missed you so much... "The tears were beginning to come and there was nothing she could do about it. She walked a fine line here and could not afford any slip of the tongue._

"_Theresa, did you hold a gun to my head?"_

_She sniffed loudly and sighed._

"_At the end I did.. I should never have told anyone about my situation, especially you. I was scared to death and I knew you wouldn't let me down. I ripped you from a family and girl that love you and I am so sorry about it. Have you and Marissa patched things up? And Seth... everything all right there?" _

_Ryan sighed into the phone. "All of the problems between me and Marissa aren't because of you. There are good days and bad days. Seth and I are working through it. I think that part will work out just fine." _

"_I'm so glad. They all love you a lot. Ryan, I need to go, time for work."_

"_Hey, is there a number or address I can reach you?"_

"_Ryan, things are still up in the air here," she lied._

"_Theresa, please.. I don't want.. can't let you go like this.. not again."_

_Now what in the hell was she supposed to do. The sobs were closing in... she needed to get off here fast before she broke down. _

"_I'll keep in touch. You take care. I... bye Ryan."_

_Hanging up the phone she finally broke. She had almost said 'I love you'. It was true but under the circumstances how stupid would that have been. When the tears had finally stopped she felt better. _

_Things seldom worked out the way they were planned. Like when the baby was born. Due to the obvious fact there was no father to take part, Lupe had volunteered to be her coach in birthing class. They had had a great time attending the sessions and a strong bond had formed between the two women. Lupe was as excited about the impending delivery as Theresa. _

_The teamsters were out on strike and a lot of the supplies Manny needed were sitting in Savannah. Manny, Lupe and two of their employees loaded up in three rental trucks and set out bright and early. The baby wasn't due for two more weeks but Theresa stayed behind. She was just too large and a trip like that would have been too uncomfortable for her. She busied herself at the restaurant until after the lunch crowd and then went home to take a nap._

She was exhausted but she tossed and turned unable to get comfortable. When the first pain hit she understood why. Don't panic she had told herself. She got up and checked the time. Picking up the phone she tried to call Manny and Lupe on their cell phone but couldn't get any service response. About twenty minutes after the first pain the second one washed over her. She called her midwife and told her the situation. They told her to come on in rather than stay by herself. Since there was no one to drive her, she grabbed her bag, the keys and set off for the clinic. She had to pull over twice when the pains came but she managed to arrive without incident. The pains were now at about 12 minutes apart. They set her up in a room and told her to call if she needed anything. Sitting there all by herself she thought of Ryan, Eddie, her mother and how differently this could have been. As she panted and puffed her way to motherhood so many thoughts had been in her mind. Eddie never had tried to get in touch with her. Just as well, he could use someone else as his personal punching bag. Ryan had phoned her mother three more times wanting to speak to her. She didn't even have names picked out yet and the baby was almost here.

Ever so often a nurse would come in and check to see how far she was dilated, other than that it was just breathe and push. Twenty two hours from the first pain, she was finally rewarded with a 10 pound 12 ounce 26 inch long baby with the right number of toes, fingers, arms and legs. There had been some talk about a C-section but in the end the baby arrived normal delivery. That had been a long nights work... and not once had she allowed herself to call out for him.

She is jerked back to the present as Lupe bursts through the door.

"Theresa, you are still standing where I left you three hours ago, Lupe laughed. If you don't hurry we're going to be late." Lupe released the bundle she had been struggling with and with a squeal the child made for its mother. Kneeling on the floor the Theresa held out her arms as her son ran to her. Scooping him up in her embrace she whirled him around in the air. His musical laughter fills the air and as she lowers him, he covers her face with sloppy wet kisses.

In less than three hours she will be the only one in her family to graduate high school and to graduate from college. She has a good job and a future here. Many things have changed for her but not everything. As she looks into her son's radiant blue eyes, she knows she's still lost in blue


End file.
